Template:Random phrases

Skydiving without a parachute is a once in a lifetime experience.

If a dog pees on your sandcastle, I'd start a new sandcastle.

Twin beds are not beds made for twins.

No matter what temperature your room is at, it's always room temperature.

Wherever you go, there you are.

If you chose not to decide, you still have made a choice.

Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.

A complimentary breakfast doesn't mean you have to compliment.

What did the triangle say to the circle? You're pointless.

3.14% of the people here are Pi rates.

Two peanuts went into a mall; one got a salted.

He crashed his expensive car into the tree and found out how the Mercedes bends.

I used to work at a blanket factory, but it folded.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head by a soda can? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

What do you get if you cross a bullet and a tree with no leaves? A cartridge in a bare tree.

I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn't trained.

A man walked into a bar and said ouch.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumour.

A backward poet writes inverse.

What's the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a pot of glue? You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish. Wait, what about the glue? I knew you'd get stuck on that one.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from calculus class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

What do you get when you dump boiling water down a rabbit hole? Hot cross buns.

A new type of broom came out, and it's sweeping the nation.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

I wondered why the ball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

I went to find some camouflage trousers yesterday but I couldn't find any.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

He tried to catch a cloud, but he mist.

A criminal's best asset is his lie ability.

I have an eating disorder; I'm about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

Seven days without a pun makes one weak.

I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

"George, why are you late for school?" "Miss, there was a sign saying School Ahead. Go Slow."

I tried searching the Internet for 202×2. Every result I checked gave me a 404.

He said I was average, but he was just being mean.

If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster.

Pencil sharpeners have a tough life—they live off tips.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

There was once a cross-eyed teacher who couldn't control his pupils.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.

It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

My friend was fired from his job at the road department for stealing. I have to say I saw it coming. The last time I was at his house all the signs were there.

The telephone proposed to his girlfriend today — he gave her a ring.

A man bet a butcher $50 that he couldn't reach the cuts of meat on the top shelf. "No deal," said the butcher. "The steaks are too high".

When William joined the army he disliked the phrase "Fire At Will!"

Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different jokes hoping at least one of them would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's table was Sir Cumference. He gained his size from too much pi.

Velcro, what a rip off!

I bought some roadkill for a knock-down price.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Never trust an Atom. They make up everything.

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.

My job at the concrete plant seems to get harder and harder.

In a recession, the most secure job is garbage-man. Business is always picking up.

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

When the wheel was invented, it caused a revolution.

A slogan for birth control pills: "Don't kid yourself".

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

The man who withstood mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

The man who fell into the upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

Eric Bristow came up to me, he said,"How come you put superglue on one of my darts?" I said,"You just can't let it go, can you?"

I got a job as a litter removal man. I didn't have any training, just thought I'd pick it up as I go along.

This guy said, "I'll let you use my ice rink for 10p." I thought, "What a cheapskate!"

I have a group of friends that go to restaurants to sample the food. They're my taste buds.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

I don't trust these stairs because they're always up to something.

I used to be a banker but I lost interest.

It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

The girl quit her job at the doughnut factory because she was fed up with the hole business.

My friend's bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.

A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end of his sentence.

Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

When the window fell into the incinerator, it was a pane in the ash to retrieve.

Need an ark to save two of every animal? I noah guy.

What is the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? A tire.

The one who invented the door knocker got a No-bell prize.

There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

Don't trust people that do acupuncture, they're back stabbers.

When the cannibal showed up late to the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder.

The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.

Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.

I think Santa has riverfront property in Brazil. All our presents came from Amazon this year.

Broken puppets for sale. No strings attached.

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.

I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

Always trust a glue salesman. They tend to stick to their word.

A relief map shows where the restrooms are.

My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.

Novice pirates make terrible singers because they can't hit the high seas.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens. A brother is frying chips. 'Are you the friar?' he asks. 'No. I'm the chip monk,' he replies.

There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.

If towels could tell jokes they would probably have a dry sense of humor.

I could not pull out of my parking space, so I used my back up plan.

I asked a librarian if she was free this afternoon, she said she was all booked up.

If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

How do you organize a space party? You planet.

I've got a chicken-proof front lawn. It's impeccable.

Glass windows are a real pane.

Whenever I'm in an airport, I start coughing and sneezing. It's a terminal illness.

I gave my friend a helium balloon for his birthday. That didn't go down very well.

I applied for a job at a Taco Bell. The manager said, "Let's taco bout it."

What did one ocean say to another? "Water you're doing?"

What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? "Bison."

Potato puns are a peeling.

This is my job. It's soda pressing.

How do you find Will Smith in a snow storm? You look for fresh prints.

Whiteboards are remarkable.

With greater power comes greater difficulty in factorizing the polynomial.

Why can't tennis players ever find happiness? Because love means nothing to them.

It was a terrible summer for Humpty Dumpty, but he had a great fall.

I see you have some graph paper. You must be plotting something.

The police officer said, "You're under arrest for making too many horrible puns." The man who was being arrested said, "So what's my PUNishment?"

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.

To the guy who invented Zero:

Thanks for nothing!

I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but it doesn't matter since none of them work.

If Apple made a car, would it have Windows?

I can hear music coming out of my printer. I think the paper's jammin' again.

The astronomer quit his job to become a barber. Eclipse hair now.

A radio personality in a parade gave a short wave.

I got fired from my job as a software engineer. I just couldn't get with the program.

Want to hear a construction joke? I'm working on it.

What do you do with a sick chemist? If you can't helium, and you can't curium, you might as well barium.

They should make a Minecraft movie, it would be a blockbuster.

I dropped my burger on the floor. Now it's ground beef.

I'm going to stand outside, so if anyone asks I'm outstanding.

I used to go fishing with Skrillex, but they kept dropping the bass.

2 antennas met on a roof and got married. The wedding was OK, but the reception was incredible.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

Cabbage should be eaten raw; in fact, that's Cole's Law.

I wanted a car but I couldn't a Ford one.

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking outside the box.

I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.

People who take a lot of selfies are just trying to save face.

Some people say I'm addicted to somersaults, but that's just how I roll.

The podiatry book used footnotes while the proctology book used endnotes.

Eating oysters can help you increase your mussel tone.

When the train conductor got unfairly railroaded by his boss, his life immediately began going down the wrong track.

A lawyer-turned-cook is a sue chef.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

A scientist doing a large experiment with liquid chemicals was trying to solve a problem when he fell in and became part of the solution.

Did you hear about the fire at the circus? The heat was in tents.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

Immanuel doesn't make a pun — he Kant.

Elevators may bring you down, but to me they're very uplifting.

Did you hear about the compulsive fisherman? He was really hooked on it.

He wanted her to stop singing. "Refrain?" she said, "of chorus I will."

The termite wanted to lose weight, so he started eating more lattice.

Why was the orange sad? He had peelings for the apple. What's the difference between a Shaker and a Quaker? About two points on the Richter Scale.

When I bought some fruit trees the nursery owner gave me some insects to help with pollination. They were free bees.

Eating too many snacks when studying for a test is called cramming.

The shoemaker did not deny his apprentice anything he needed. He gave his awl.

A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy.

When Peter Pan punches, they Neverland.

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said "No change yet".

I was struggling to figure out how lightning works when it struck me.

Gravity is studied a lot because it's a very attractive field.

The painter was hospitalized due to too many strokes.

A lifeguard's vocation is vacation.

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

I saw a beaver movie last night, it was the best dam movie I've ever seen.

Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.

People are choosing cremation over traditional burial. It shows that they are thinking out of the box.

I'd wrap this song up, but I'm not a rapper.

How do you wake Lady Gaga? You poker face.

A man just told me someone died from drinking too much coffee. I said, "Thanks a latte for the bad news."

A pizza got robbed once. The robber said, "Give me the dough or I'll cut you!"

The aluminum foiled my plans.

I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.

A fire opened the door for me. It was a friendly fire.

A dog started a fire in a warehouse. They called him "Scooby Doom".

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

When the equation didn't balance out, it messed with the student's equilibrium.

The cardiovascular system is a work of artery, but is also really vein.

This morning, my IT guy went to check on an install. I raised my empty coffee cup and said, 'Java Installed.'

I went out with a coal miner's daughter. I guess you could say I was carbon dated.

The athlete claimed he long jumped over 25 feet. Actually his best jump only measured 23 feet. This was a clear case of leap fraud.

What did the mining equipment salesman use as his slogan? 'But wait, there's ore!'

All births are an Emergency.

Where do cavemen store their weapons? In the clubhouse.

The library is the tallest building because it has many stories.

I had plans to begin reading a book about sinkholes but they fell through.

What makes a pig pink? Pigment!

I met a quantum physicist the other day, he had a few quarks.

I wonder if you can get through the locks of the Panama Canal with Florida Keys...

Art theft is a haul of frames.

What U.S. state produces the least amount of soda? Minne-soda.

I stepped on a cornflake. I am now a cereal killer.

The military commander pointed to the map and said, "Our base is under a tack!"

Let's have a garden party! Lettuce turnip the beet!

Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.

You have a Nikon, you say? Well, I have a cannon.

A cell phone asked another cell phone, "Why are you wearing glasses?" The other phone replied, "I lost all my contacts."

A talkative politician was the world's first passenger side air-bag.

I was only on the military base from dusk to dawn, but it seemed like a fort night.

The linen shop gave their employees free bedding. Even their accountant had his own handmade spread sheet.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

I applied for a position at the hair-replacement company because I heard there was growth potential.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O.

During the late baroque era, rococo composers began to think outside the Bachs.

My tailor is happy to make a pair of pants for me, or at least sew it seams.

What was Forrest Gump's email password? "1forrest1"

How did I escape Iraq? Iran.

Why was Cinderella removed from the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.

A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame.

When the onion cut himself, all the other vegetables groaned, saying "Now we're all going to start crying."

How do mountains see? They peak.

Overworked physicists put too many ions in the fire.

My insurance did not cover acupuncture, so I got stuck with the bill.

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

I tried asking my dentist out but she brushed me off. Don't worry, it was her floss.

Buzz Lightyear was following a Japanese luxury car on the highway. When he pulled around to pass, he shouted, "To Infiniti and beyond."

Proper punctuation can make the difference between a sentence that's well-written and a sentence that's, well, written.

Lamp factories have light workloads.

I've heard that the airplane industry is really taking off and reaching new heights.

I saw a Buddhist lamp. It was very enlightening.

The conversation between the brain surgeon and the anaesthesiologist was mind numbing.

My fear of roses is a thorny issue. I'm not sure what it stems from, but it seems likely I'll be stuck with it.

When writing about shipwrecks you have to be succinct or you'll be sunk.

I went to the tropics and found out that bananas are grown by a great bunch.

Archery contests are usually won by an arrow margin.

I dream of a better world, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.

I changed all my passwords to 'incorrect'. So my computer just tells me when I forgot.

No, I didn't trip, the floor looked like it needed a hug.

Whatever you do in life give 100%.... unless you're giving blood.

Anytime a bird poops on one of my windows, I eat a whole plate of scrambled eggs on my patio. Just to show them what I'm capable of. Take that birds.

One time at the beach this guy was swimming in the ocean, yelling "Help! Shark! Help!". I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn't going to help them.

Procrastinator? No, I just wait until the last second to do my work because I will be older, therefore wiser.

On a scale of Voldemort to Pinocchio, how Nosy are you?

I do 5 sit-ups every morning. May not sound like much, but there is only so many times you can hit the snooze button...

I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, 'I'd so tap that.'

I feel like getting something done today, so I'm just going to sit here until the feeling passes.

I was complimented on my driving. Someone left a note on my windshield that said, "Parking Fine."

I just dropped my laptop off the boat... It's a Dell, rolling in the deep.

Why do banks lock their pens to the desk? If I'm trusting you with my money, don't you think you can trust me with a pen?

I really like ceilings... I guess you could call me a ceiling fan.

Grammar is somewhat important. Commas do save lives. For instance: "Let's eat grandpa." "Lets eat, grandpa."

I was planning to do something today, but I haven't finished doing nothing from yesterday.

I love how, in horror movies, the person yells out, "Hello?" As if the bad is going to yell back, "Yeah, I'm in the kitchen! Do you want a sandwich?" Or, "Hey, yeah I'm back here with a chainsaw. Come on down."

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright, until you hear them talk.

Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.

I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.

Better late than never, but never late is better.

I wish real life was like cartoons. I could wear the same outfit and nobody would care.

I haven't seen any statuses about ninjas lately... well played, ninjas.

I need a six month vacation, twice a year.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did — in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I've finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

Why do people say "no offense" right before they're about to offend you?

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

If you steal from one author, it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many, it’s research.

if u cn rd ths- u spnd 2 mch tiem txting

You will find an easy way to do it — after you've finished doing it.

Why do we park in driveways, but drive on parkways?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight.

According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two! Does that sound right? That means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.

Evening news is where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

If chocolate melts in my hand, does that mean I'm hot?

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he’ll have to touch it to be sure.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common: They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.

Two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I am not yet completely sure about the universe. — Albert Einstein

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called New Car Interior. — Rita Rudner

At every party, there are two kinds of people–those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

"Teacher, what time is it?" "Time to get a watch."

I'm your density. I mean, your destiny.

Oh, I didn't fall, I just attacked the floor. Backwards. Yep, I'm that talented.

Dear radio stations, you do realize that there are more than just 5 songs in the world right?

I feel like the people who hand out flyers are really just saying, "Here, throw this away for me."

Laughing is the best medicine, but if you are laughing for no reason, you need medicine.

The police officer asked me, "How high are you?" I responded: "No officer, it's 'Hi, how are you?'"

When I was a kid, the only fun thing about shopping was hiding in the clothing rack.

The person who coined the term "sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me" has clearly never been hit by a dictionary before.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. — Fred Allen

An apple a day will keep anyone away, as long as you throw it hard enough.

The best way to avoid parking tickets is to remove your windshield wipers.

So, I've heard you like water. Good, you already like 70% of me.

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

I swear microwave minutes take longer than normal minutes.

Teenagers are the most misunderstood people on earth. They are treated like children and expected to act like adults.

I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin deep. What do you want, an adorable pancreas?

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

You would make a ship sail against the wind and currents by lighting a bonfire under her decks? I pray you excuse me. I have no time to listen to such nonsense. — Napoleon Bonaparte

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. — Mitch Hedberg

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. — Mitch Hedberg

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. — Mitch Hedberg

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. — Mitch Hedberg

I hate how Monday is so far away from Friday yet Friday is so close to Monday.

Give a man a gun, and he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank, and he can rob the world.

My dog must think he is popular. Whenever someone rings the doorbell, he always assumes it's for him.

Some days you're the dog, and some days you're the fire hydrant.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator.

What do you call a pile of kittens? A meowntain.

A teacher writes "A woman without her man is nothing." The teacher tells the boys to punctuate properly. The boys write: "A woman, without her man, is nothing." The teacher tells the girls to punctuate properly. The girls write: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and Smarties.

What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic

What has one head, one foot and four legs? A bed.

What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!

What month do trees hate the most? Sept-TIMBER!

What is pink, goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and wet? Bubble gum.

What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.

What happened to the Italian chef? He pasta way.

I end the race. I am the beginning of the end. The start of eternity and the end of space. There are two of me in Heaven and one in hell. I am in water, fire, sunshine and darkness. I am the beginning of earth and the end of life. What am I? The letter E.

What word gets shorter when you add two letters to it? Short → Shorter.

Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck!

Why did the traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!

What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.

What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? A post office.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How many books can you put in an empty backpack? One! After that, it is no longer empty.

Wanna hear a joke about raising the roof? Too bad, it's over your head.

Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab? The scientists were brainstorming.

What do sprinters eat? Nothing, they fast.

Where do tired travellers put their bags? Under their eyes.

What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium? HeHe

"Orion's Belt is a big waist of space!"

Terrible joke. Only three stars.

What has four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon, and three in the evening, and why? A human, because it has four legs when it is born, two legs when it grows up, and three legs when it becomes an elder (the third leg being a cane).

When you say my name, I am no longer there. What am I? Silence.

Two fathers and two sons walk into a candy store. They each buy something for $0.50 but they only spent $1.50. How is that possible? One grandfather, one father and one son makes two fathers and two sons.

How can a son marry his mother? The son is a priest who performed the marriage ceremony.

How many months have 28 days? All of them. They all have 28 days, and some have more.

Do read and lead rhyme? Read and lead rhyme and read and lead rhyme, but read and lead don’t rhyme and neither do read and lead. Get it?

What is as ancient as the earth but new every month? The moon.

What's an opinion without 3.14159? An onion.

If I have it, I don't share it. If I share it, I don't have it. What is it? A secret.

What has holes on each side but can still hold water? A sponge.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

I can be cracked, I can be made. I can be told, I can be played. What am I? A joke.

Feathers, I am as light, But quite heavy if squeezed tight. I'm seen as clean and pure, but often talked about with dirty terms. What am I? Snow.

My first two are male, and my first three female. My first four save them both, and my whole is a female of the same sort. What am I? Heroine. He, Her, Hero, and the whole Heroine.

Do not be fooled into thinking the grass is greener on the other side. The grass is greenest where you water it.

I'm not supposed to be normal, I'm supposed to be me.

You can't expect the unexpected — otherwise there would be no need for the word unexpected.

Law of Conservation of Filth: In order for something to get clean, something else must get dirty.

YOU CAN'T CUT BACK ON FUNDING! YOU WILL REGRET THIS!

"If someone were to harm my family or a friend or somebody I love, I would eat them. I might end up in jail for 500 years, but I would eat them." — Johnny Depp

My nickname for people named William is "Villiam the Vindshield Viper". — k6ka

I can only help those that accept my help. — k6ka

What's with modern chat room behavior nowadays? We have nine year olds that connect to a chat room, wait 10 seconds, see nothing's happening, and then leave saying "its ded dont go on there nubudy tlks". Grow up, seriously. I don't live in my computer. — k6ka

Weird is normal. Normal is weird. — k6ka

One-one was one racehorse: two-one was one too -- two-one won one race: one-one won one too.

She sells sea shells by the sea shore.

Do you smell a gas leak?

Never eat yellow snow.

I had to polish Polish floors today.

So this guy walked into a bar.

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